How to increase libido in those with a low sex drive

Here at Ethical Johnny we're aware that life runs its course in phases; there are ups and downs - and sometimes the ups seem a while in coming. So we thought we'd take a look at some of the aspects of life significant to the human libido and in particular low libido, and provide suggestions as to how you may be able to increase low sex drive - either your own, or that of your partner. We suggest some simple changes that you could make in your life, some products that you could consider trying, and we have also included a few places that you could go for further thoughts or help.

Before we start, a few observations and caveats:

First up, remember that ideas on sex drive are a matter of perception. One person’s low sex drive might be another’s idea of concupiscence incarnate. There is no predetermined amount that states how much sex is enough – or too much for that matter (except the principles of common sense, love and respect). It is a case of finding a balance that both partners can be satisfied with. Since we’re dealing with something that is based on perception, we'd suggest that communication is the most important thing: Finding out how your partner feels should be your first step. It is also worth noting that it's all too easy to allow our materialistic, acquisitive culture to make us believe that we should be having sex more than we are. Just as we are persuaded that we 'need' the upgrade, the bigger faster car and the expensive clothes, so we are persuaded by our culture that we should be having sex as it's presented in the films, and lots of it. Ok so some of us (perhaps many of us) would like that - but it doesn't have to be this way, and it doesn't mean that anything is wrong if things aren't like that between you and your partner! Just in case you were wondering what 'normal' is (normal according to the British Sex Survey 2009, carried out by Durex), responses to the question "How often, on average, do you have sex?" indicated that only just over 5% of people say that they are having sex daily, around 40% of people say that they are having sex between 2 and 4 times per week, and nearly a quarter of us say that we are having sex once per month or less.

Secondly, remember that you’re not alone and you don’t need to feel embarrassed. According to Google there are approximately 50,000 searches made every month by people looking to increase libido or generally spice up their sex life. That represents a lot of people who want add a bit more zip to things between the sheets. According to the aforementioned British Sex Survey, there are nearly 1 in 8 people who have sex once per year or less. It’s an admirable trait to want to work at aspects of your relationship that you or your partner are not happy with. In truth, the fact that you're reading this at all shows that you've already achieved the first and most important step: You don't think that you know it all! It’s those people that think that they've got it all sussed that are the ones most likely to have an unfulfilled partner.

One final caveat: There may be an underlying medical reason for a low sex drive; depression or stress may be playing a part. In these cases it may be that trying some of the steps below will still help, but there are no guarantees of success. Likewise, it's not going to be an overnight transformation even if there are no medical reasons for a perceived low sex drive.

And so without further ado, here’s what can be done:

Listen

Good communication is the key to a successful relationship. Remember those first dates, the butterflies, the candle-lit dinners? Those times when you hung on each other’s every word and listened intently for some clue as to what your love might aspire to? Well you need some of that now because, put simply, the more you listen the more your partner will be into you. When we feel like our partner is listening to us it makes us feel like they are interested in us, that they respect us. And there’s nothing better than that for getting us in the mood for something a little steamier! What should you do? How about booking a romantic meal, turning off the blackberry or iPhone, and looking into your partner’s eyes so that you pick up the body language as you talk with each other. Ask them questions about their day, their life, their hopes and fears and dreams.

Be more adventurous

People get bored. Not really a revelation, but an important point to remember. This is because the spark can easily fade out if you've been doing the same old same old for a while. Whilst it’s good to keep hold of those things that are good and work well, we all enjoy the occasional element of change – something new and exciting. Read through the next few paragraphs on fantasies and on toys and see if there is anything that you think you and your partner would enjoy. Not all of the ideas in this article will be for everyone and of course neither you nor your partner should feel pressured into doing anything that you’re not comfortable with. Doing anything that will make you feel awkward or insecure is a certain passion-killer. So what else can you do if the ideas on fantasies and toys aren’t for you? The answer is to give a bit of free rein to your imagination in tandem with a look at the routine in your life. Do you always eat at home? Do you always go to the same places, the same holiday destinations (or the same type of holiday)? Do you always make love in the same position, in the same place and at the same time? If the answer to any of these is yes then how about shaking things up a little? Try making love on the sofa, or in the morning, or in a new position, or somewhere other than in bed. Go to a restaurant that you’ve not been to before, or book a totally different holiday to the one that you’d normally opt for. Go out for a romantic meal (see the above point) – oh, and if you’ve got kids get a babysitter for an evening!

Be less adventurous

Despite the above point talking about the need to be adventurous, you can of course have too much change in life. Perhaps being more adventurous is the last thing that you both need... The old adage ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it’ applies here and if you feel that things were better in the past then perhaps it is time to get back to basics. Think about what has and what hasn’t worked. Not just relating to sex, but across a variety of areas in your relationship. Perhaps you used to have a ‘date night’, or you used to really enjoy the missionary position rather than the more exotic things that you have been trying recently. Some things stand the test of time and perhaps it would be worth focusing on those things that you know have worked previously and seeing if they can't work again.

What can you do? How about reintroducing an old and trusty favourite – be it the missionary position, a restaurant that you used to frequent together or some other fond memory. But rather than reintroducing this as another new thing, make the point that you are remembering the good times. Talking about positive shared memories can be a great way of re-living the good times of the past and help to suggest that you want to do more than just 'remember'!

Fantasies

Ok, so we're onto the more risqué stuff now... but before you assume that you need to invite a stranger into your bed, there's plenty to be getting on with that doesn't mean starting with the complications of a ménage à trois. Some of the more common sexual fantasies are listed below (which may reassure you that you're not alone, or at least tell you that others have fantasies on at least vaguely similar lines) but before we get to those, there are some important points to note. First, if you do get to sharing fantasies with your partner don't just assume that you are going to actually 'do' any of the stuff you talk about. Remember these are fantasies; this is your imagination at work! If you do end up acting out a fantasy with your partner and you're both happy with it that's fine, but it shouldn't be your starting assumption.

And talking of assumptions it would be a good idea for you to give some thought to your motivations for sharing your fantasy. Are you hoping that you will end up acting out the fantasy, or is it simply that you would find sharing the idea with your partner a turn-on? Doing some thinking before you start talking at least means that if you need to start answering questions from a confused partner you are clear in your own mind on your motivations. In fact, it would be worth evaluating your relationship before starting down this path: Do you have a trusting relationship that you are confident can withstand some heated debate and hurt feelings if things don't go to plan? You should also bear in mind that sharing fantasies is, or can be, a two way street. Think about how it would make you feel to hear your partner sharing their fantasies with you. Finally, make sure that you broach the subject delicately and use your common sense: If your partner is particularly jealous of a past partner of yours then, to state the obvious, launching straight into a fantasy that involves that past partner is highly unlikely to increase the amount of sex that you get!

So what are some of the most commonly held fantasies, and how common is it to have fantasies? As for how common it is to have fantasies, they are pretty much universally experienced (check out the paper on Sexual Fantasy by Leitenberg and Henning - available from the American Psychological Association if you are in any doubt). Whilst many fantasies are common to both men and women, there are also some significant differences between the most popularly held fantasies of men and those of women. Apart from the fact that the scenarios differ, women's fantasies are more usually with people who they don't know as a pose to male fantasies which frequently involve people that the man knows, or at least can picture in his mind (for example celebrities). Perhaps to be expected, male fantasies are also rather more graphic, or visually oriented, in the detail rather than focusing on the relationship side of things that women find more important.

Some of the most common fantasies are:

• Fantasising about a past sexual experience
• Fantasising about your current partner
• Fantasising about someone other than your current partner (watch it!)
• Acts that would be considered forbidden in some way (for example, voyeurism or sex in public)
• Another person (or people) not being able to resist you
• Domination and/or submission fantasies
• Having sex with more than one person (whether including your current partner or not)

Perhaps now would be an opportune moment to add a brief note on what we think here at Ethical Johnny. What we think is that we want the best - the best for ourselves and for our partners. We'd like our partners' wildest fantasies to be about us, for them to be (and to quote a certain song on the matter) 'crazy in love' with us, so to us that kinda suggests that our own fantasies should be about our partners, that our thoughts and passions should be reserved for them and them alone. It's a tough enough challenge for us honouring, loving and being faithful to our own partners without complicating things by starting the process of 'straying' mentally. But hey, we're not here to condemn, and if your own personal fantasy is a little more risqué than we're prepared to entertain ourselves, then we're not going to (ahem) crack the whip!

Add some 'spice'

If you (or your partner) aren't enjoying things as much as you would wish then it's understandable that this might impact on your sex drive. After all, we don't tend to want something if we don't enjoy it. If you've read all of the above and you're thinking that it doesn't hit the spot... well how about adding some spice? Whilst pouring spices on your (or your lover's) intimate parts is not what we'd recommend in a literal sense, for those suffering a low sex drive adding some outside influences could be just the thing to perk up each other's carnal interest. And a quick and easy way of heightening the pleasure factor is by using things that have been designed to do just that. 'What sort of things' we hear you ask!

There are many potential 'accessories' that you could consider. Here we suggest only a few of the more frequently used and widely available items. Whilst some might consider these a little risqué, we're not talking about anything that your partner is unlikely to be happy with! Some suggestions then:

• Using condoms that work a little harder for you: Some are textured to increase the level of stimulation, some have stimulating lubricants on them and some include other features, one example being a ring of latex that sits tightly around the base of the chap's johnny - helping him to stand to attention for that little bit longer.
• Using lubes that bring a bit of zing to her (and his) thing: There are various different warming, cooling, tingling and numbing options (the numbing obviously for the chap who wants to last a while longer)! Note that these don't have to be used with a condom. Using even a standard lube can help things if the woman isn't producing enough natural lube. Try massaging some warming/cooling/tingling lube into the appropriate areas of either the man or the woman... it's likely to have some happy consequences for you both!
• Want something a little more adventurous than the standard condom or lube? How about getting yourself some sort of erotic game. This doesn't have to mean getting something seedy: There are games designed just for couples, such as Monogamy - which of course, is available from yours truly.
• Want to spend some time really getting your partner in the mood? Sensual massage oils will give you the perfect excuse to initiate a time of physical intimacy (not to mention getting their clothes off!) as their focus drifts to the sensation of your fingers on their skin...

Take care of yourselves

Think that taking care of yourself means a quick splash of aftershave? Or were you thinking that if she goes for a run there won't be any energy left to expend between the sheets? There are all sorts of ways in which taking care of yourselves will increase libido in both of you, and we're going to mention three straightforward ways.

First, at the most basic level there are some things that you need to avoid. Excess body hair (especially on the shoulders and/or back), bad breath, bad hygiene. All of these are no-nos, and simple to avoid.

Second: Beyond just avoiding things, how about putting a positive spin on this and looking at what you can do to improve? Making just a few simple changes can do a world of good. Try going to a decent salon and changing your hairstyle - then ask your partner for their verdict on the result! A visit to the dentist, even just a shower, some deodorant and perfume (not too much, though you could try spraying a little on your clothes too) can change your partner's perception of you. How about looking at what you're wearing and thinking about whether it suits you? There is plenty of fashion advice to be found - either by asking the honest opinion of a good friend who you see as being clued-up in this area, or by hunting around online. We're not talking about 'spend a ton of money of designer stuff' here: Just think about what sort of clothes will make you look better.

Third: Improve your diet, and exercise!

What, you are thinking, has this got to do with increasing the libido of my partner (or me for that matter)? Well, it's key and it is one of the areas that can make the biggest difference. Why? Well let us enlighten you.

1. Endurance - so you can last longer!
2. Strength - so you can hold that position for a moment longer.
3. Flexibility - we're not talking about you doing the splits, but on the other hand if you can't bend just a little at the waist then perhaps it's time to limber up!
4. Improved blood flow - and guess where it'll be headed? Believe it or not, an improved blood flow can help things for women too in this regard.
5. It helps to relieve stress (and stress is a total passion-killer - more of which below).
6. It increases serotonin. What the flibbertigibbet has this to do with the price of bread you are thinking? Well, it has a huge effect on your emotions and when you're feeling happy (and especially if you're both feeling happy) then you are more likely to get on - which also helps when you want to get it on! Two natural ways that you can increase serotonin in your body are through good diet and through exercise.
7. What was our seventh point? Ah yes... Sunshine! Sunshine (when you're out running - we refer back to point one!) to get rid of that pallor, and to make sure that you're not suffering from the winter blues!

Stress

We're not going to go into detail here, but rest assured that if you are suffering from stress then you need to deal with it. Not only is it unhealthy, it is a major passion killer. If you want to know more you can find good information on both the NHS website or at www.stress.org.uk.

And finally...

In conclusion then, there are many things that you could consider trying to increase libido, whether your own or your partner's libido. The key points to remember are that whilst some of these things may take some work, you are not alone in your attempt and many others before you have tried and succeeded. If you think that there may be some underlying medical reason - whether physical or psychological - it would be worth having a chat with your doctor. If you'd like to ask us anything in particular do feel free to contact us directly (details on our contact page).

Alternatively, you could check out the Relate website for more information, advice on relationships in general, counselling and/or therapy.